Welcome to Discovering the Male Mysteries with Mel Mystery. This blog is a supplement to my podcast is for and about gay and bi pagan men. My podcasts are about what it is to be gay, what it is to be pagan, what it is to be men — sometimes as separate topics and sometimes all meshed together as one. I started this endeavor after seeing that there were few, if any, podcasts out there on this topic. The podcasts are informative, and present topics that challenge conventional thinking.


Mysterious Ways, Summer/Fall 2021 Issue is now available!

The latest issue of Mysterious Ways is now available on my website. The theme of this issue is “Love and Lust Magick.”

Be sure to check it out at the following link:


Episode 20: After Death Communication

My Latest Podcast Episode is available.

In this episode I talk about my personal experiences with messages and signs from a deceased friend.  My experiences led me to read the book “Hello from Heaven” by Bill Guggenheim and Judy Guggenheim.  While initially reluctant to read the book because the title sounded “Christian,” I decided to read the book anyway.  There is no Christian agenda in the book, and the authors refer to “Heaven” as higher planes of existence after death.  They did research into the topic with surveys of over many years.  While admittedly, the majority of respondents were either Christian or Jewish, and their religion colors their experiences, the authors do a great job of outlining 12 distinct types of After Death Communications (ADC’s) that can be experienced from deceased loved ones.  I give a summary of each type in this episode.

You can listen to my podcast directly through my website at: www.melmystery.com
Or through Podbean, iTunes, or GooglePlay.

Song clips:
“Hello (from the Other Side)
“Shut Up and Dance”
“Haunt You”

Links relevant to this show:

Hello from Heaven Book- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hello_from_Heaven!
Mel Mystery website — www.melmystery.com
Arcadia Camp Out, October 8-10, 2021 — http://www.olympuscampgroundresort.com/index.php/events/arcadia
Brotherhood by the Bog Retreat – http://www.olympuscampgroundresort.com/index.php/events/brotherhood-by-the-bog-pagan-men-s-retreat
Tomás Prower (Author of Queer Magic and Morbid Magic) – https://www.tomasprower.com/

Mysterious Ways, Winter / Spring 2021 issue now available!

The Winter / Spring 2021 issue of the Mysterious Ways newsletter for Pagan men who love men is now available.

The theme of this issue is: Queer Vision and Divination.

Some highlights from this issue include:

A review of the Virtual Between the Worlds Gathering from September 2020.

Information about upcoming Pagan men’s gathering including the Virtual Brotherhood by the Bog retreat scheduled for April 22-23, 2021.

Photos from Arcadia Sanctuary

Writings from “Across the Pond”

Stories on Queer vision and divination

Homosexuality among the ancient Celts and the Norse

Highlighting the God – Odin


And some cool Pagan images from Distilled Images

You can view the latest issue of Mysterious Ways online at:

Confederate Statues, Flags, and Defunding Police

A toppled Confderate statue.In a blog post earlier this week, while supporting the peaceful protests for George Floyd and Black Lives Matter, I criticized the random rioting and looting.  My reasoning was that these don’t really attack the real problems or perpetrators, that they hurt innocent people such as minority business owners and neighborhoods, and that they lack any kind of strategy other than hoping the threat of violence would cause change.  With that said, I do (a little reluctantly because I still believe in doing things legally where possible) support the toppling of Confederate statues.  I’ve watched protestors toppling these on the news this week, and contrary to random rioting, this sends a directed and powerful message.  These symbols of the past no longer serve our country and it’s time to get rid of them.  The inclusion of these statues at city halls and seats of government in the South has been challenged before, and frankly most of these city and state governments have dragged their feet to actually remove them.  Two days ago, a statue was toppled in a city adjacent to my own, and this morning the Confederate statue in my own city was removed with cranes by our own city government.  Another nearby city announced official removal in early July.

For those cities removing these statues peaceably, I personally believe they should go to graveyards where Confederate soldiers have been laid to rest.  This allows for respecting the Confederate dead (even if we don’t agree with their cause), allows for these statues to remain historical reminders of the past (those who don’t learn the lessons of the past are doomed to repeat them), and also symbolically marks their significance to our daily lives as dead and buried.  For those cities who refuse to remove these statues from government places, and where they aren’t toppled in protests, I heard someone suggest that counter monuments – perhaps memorializing Northern deaths or those victimized by slavery – would allow for counterpointing the Confederate statues with powerful teaching moments.

I was happy to hear that NASCAR banned the Confederate flag from their races this week.  That was a good step.  I personally view the Confederate flag as a flag of treason against our country and a lost Civil War for the South.  It has also been a rallying flag for racists and white nationalists. While many liberals share this view with me, it is actually more complicated than that.  I grew up in a rural Southern town and still have family and friends in that area.  The thing is that not everyone rallies around the Confederate flag out of hate or prejudice (even if that is the legacy of that flag).  A number of people in the South view the Confederate flag as a symbol of Southern heritage and not as a symbol of hate.  It is entrenched as a symbol of Southern pride for many rural Southerners.  Trying to convince many of them that it is a symbol of racism and hate, will just cause many to double down in their own positions.  What I really believe they need is a new flag to symbolize their heritage – something they can fly from the back of their pickup trucks and wave at NASCAR races – because gods know they like to do that kind of thing.

Lastly, I wanted to address things I’ve been hearing these past few weeks about defunding or even abolishing the police.  I’ve not read much on what this would entail, so these are only my initial thoughts.  My ideas might change if I see a really good plan.  I personally believe there is much reform that should be done with police departments and even some of the laws they enforce.  I don’t believe every cop is a bad cop.  Just an aside – my own father was a policeman, though he retired due to Vietnam related disabilities when I was young.  He and my mother taught me not to judge people by the color of their skin.  And while I can’t say for sure what he’d be doing in the current situation, I do believe that he would be standing the lines for law and order but would also criticize the cop who killed George Floyd.  I personally believe there is much room for reform in the police department – a return to the ethic of being peace officers to protect and serve their communities; a reversal of militarization of police forces; ongoing sensitivity training for a number of disenfranchised communities – African-Americans, LGBTQ folks, and many others; sensitivity training for domestic violence situations; accountability and intervention when it comes to bad cops; and perhaps increased participation in the communities they serve (so neither the community members nor the police are faceless others).  I believe it would be a good thing to put some money from police budgets (starting with the expensive military gear) toward the communities themselves.  I also believe that some laws and policies should be rethought or abolished – such as racial profiling; chokeholds; entry to arrest without knocking or announcing; and victimless crimes such as recreational drug use and sex work.

I do not believe police departments should be totally abolished — at least not unless there’s something comparable or better to replace them.  There are many situations in daily life that require a consensus on law and order and someone to intervene – whether this be police or someone else.   There are issues of theft, robberies, break-ins, domestic violence, escalated disagreements between people, gang violence, organized crime, and other concerns requiring immediate or ongoing intervention from someone. There are also little things that protect lives or an orderly way of life – someone to enforce speed limits and traffic laws.  The street on the way to work is not a NASCAR raceway and there are some places you shouldn’t U-turn.  People ignore these things now with the threat of getting a ticket.  What will they do without someone to enforce necessary rules and laws?  While I like to look for the best in people, I don’t trust all people to follow rules and laws, especially in the absence of enforcement. Many laws are in place to protect our daily lives from chaos and to protect us from those who would do harm.  Yes, there are also many laws that should be reformed or abolished, but not all of them.  If we abolish the police totally, I see us descending into anarchy or some kind of wild west lawlessness.  In such a society, without someone to intervene, might would make right and I suspect gun nuts will be stocking up on guns and shooting anyone they see as a threat.  This is already happening among the current rioting and looting.

Anyway, those are my thoughts.


Mysterious Ways, Summer / Fall 2020 issue now available!

Mysterious Ways Cover Page

The cover page of Mysterious Ways. Please select the link in the article to view the full newsletter.

The Summer / Fall 2020 Issue of the Mysterious Ways newsletter for Pagan men who love men is now available.

The major themes for this issue are:

  • The Intersection of Spirituality and Activism
  • Coronavirus and your Spiritual Practice

Highlights from this issue include:

  • Coronavirus and Rites of Passage
  • “Doing It” Digitally (during the pandemic)
  • Arcadia 2020 and the Space Between Us
  • Niche is Natural
  • Green is Gay
  • A New Concept of the Celestial Gaia
  • The War on Us
  • Book Review: Revolutionary Witchcraft
  • Book Bingo
  • Apollo: God of Healing and Plagues
  • Poetry and Art
  • Queer Pagan resources and upcoming events

You can view (and download) Mysterious Ways at the link below:


Can’t We All Get Along: The Sequel

We can do better!Not long ago, I posted a three-part blog article titled “Can’t We All Get Along.”  I pointed out the division in this country, within the Democratic Party, and even within Doctor Who Fandom.  I had hoped to encourage folks to find common ground and not to be so polarized.  Early last week, in the midst of the George Floyd protests, I took a break from posting cat videos and inspirational music videos on Facebook to pose the question – “Can’t we all agree on some common ground?”  I asked the Liberals on my friend’s list (including folks from college, gatherings, and folks that I hang out with regularly) couldn’t we agree that rioting and looting are bad, even if the anger behind them is justified, and especially in light of the fact that most of the businesses being hit are small independent businesses already hit hard by the Coronavirus pandemic.  I pointed out to the Conservatives on my friends list (mostly family and folks from high school) that they’d be angry if the shoe were on the other foot and a white man had been killed in such a cruel way by a Black man.  I also pointed out that they needed to get their story straight on protests.  A few years ago, they were calling non-violent protesters against Trump, the Dakota pipeline, and other causes criminals, and calling for them to be arrested.  Then a few weeks ago they all started showing up at state capitals with guns to protest stay-at-home orders.  Now they’re condemning protests again.  I asked them all to recognize our common humanity and that there are bad apples on both sides of the political spectrum, but there are also folks with compassion and humanity on both sides.

I was actually quite surprised by those who responded – three Liberals and two Conservatives – so more or less equal numbers.  My post was mostly meant for Conservatives with a feigned slap on the hand to Liberals who I thought would agree that non-violent protest was for the best.

In the Conservative camp, one Conservative who is frequently spouting support for Trump, conspiracy theories and the like, responded quite rationally that “No, we can’t agree, but that disagreement doesn’t have to be the line in the sand that many people make it.”  Another Conservative suggested that all the rioters and looters should be shot for breaking the law and that the authorities really have no other choice than to shoot these folks to bring back law and order.  I pointed out that these are U.S. citizens and that there are all sorts of non-lethal tools and tactics in place for domestic disturbances.  He did later concede that he thought there was no excuse for the police officer who killed Floyd and he hopes the guy gets the death penalty.  At least he was consistent in his belief that shooting and killing people is the solution to all life’s big problems.

The Liberal camp shocked and dismayed me a little bit.  At least I expected the shoot first, solve problems later from the Conservatives.  After three years of Liberals staging non-violent protests against Trump and stressing the importance of non-violence in other protests and causes, it bothered me to see one of my Liberal friends suggesting that we should “Riot on!”  Another suggested non-violence was a Pollyanna concept and that rioting and rebellion are necessary for liberty.  Yet another sent a link to arguments on “How to respond to ‘riots never solve anything!’”  This was after I suggested that non-violent protest should be encouraged but rioting and looting not so much.

I see so much of each other in all this.  Perhaps if we can’t agree to aspire to the best in humanity, we can all at least agree to aspire to the worst.  While my earlier Facebook post was meant more for the Conservatives, this blog post is aimed squarely at Liberals because I still believe there’s hope, compassion, and reason within you despite whatever anger you may be feeling at this point.   While I still consider myself Liberal, due to recent polarizations both in our country and within the Democratic Party I find myself more middle of the road than I used to be.  For parts of this article, I’m still going to say “we” and “us” even though “we” and “us” in the Liberal camp is more divided than ever before.

After criticizing Conservatives only a few weeks ago for coming out to protest the Covid-19 stay-at-home orders with their guns and general talks of stoking another American Civil War (violent, if necessary), I cannot in good conscience look the other way when our own side comes out (during a pandemic, I might add) stoking talks of violent revolution.  While I believe, wholeheartedly, that the non-violent protests on behalf of George Floyd and Black Lives Matter are a good and necessary thing (and also that protestors should continue wearing masks and social distancing), it would be hypocritical of me to condemn violence and threats of violence by Conservatives only to rally for riots, looting, and violence to advance a cause (any cause) that I as a Liberal hold dear.

Dalai Lama quote on non-violence.Might doesn’t make right.  Right makes right (even if the results aren’t always immediate).  That includes right action.  Right action includes action (as well at thoughts and intentions) consistent with the ethics you believe yourself and that you believe the other side should follow.  Right action includes making sure that any action, protest, or even war is directed at the right enemies, governments, departments, laws, policies, or systems, and not just random people or organizations who may or may not already be on your side (or might be persuaded to join your cause provided you don’t make enemies of them).  In war, most folks consider it ethical to drop bombs on strategic military bases but not on civilian communities, schools, and hospitals.  Right action doesn’t necessarily mean to be “Pollyanna”, complacent, or even lawful.  Rosa Parks breaking the law prohibiting Black folks from sitting at the front of a bus is an example of a right action that wasn’t naïve, complacent, or legal at the time.  It was both a powerful statement and non-violent.

What bothers me about the rioting, looting, and protests, is that they seem more random and less directed at the people, organizations, and systems that led to this situation in the first place.  They lack any kind of strategy or goal other than maybe the threat of violence will cause folks to side with you out of fear of more rioting.  In fact, a study of Civil Rights protests by political scientist Omar Wasow argues that peaceful protests during the 1960s actually swayed white people toward voting for Democrats, whereas violent protests brought backlash and swayed white voters in the direction “law and order” Republican candidates (http://www.omarwasow.com/).  Isn’t law and order what we hear Republicans and Conservatives calling for in all this?  Law and order, even if it means killing looters and rioters?  I’ve seen stories about a number of small businesses hit with looting (many of them small Black, minority, or immigrant owned businesses).  There was an African American woman on YouTube who went viral for shouting at rioters and looters (mostly white college students) for making her neighborhood unsafe.  She shouted about the how people couldn’t safely get to their jobs or to get groceries, and how the homeless people in the neighborhood were affected too.  One young Black male protestor interviewed for the PBS News Hour last week, pointed out all the pallets of bricks left in neighborhoods near protest sites and claimed that it looked like “a trap” to incite violence.  From what I’ve seen across various media, most of the protesters on the front lines are adamant that the protests remain peaceful and non-violent.  Among all this we are also putting more Black lives at risk – whether from corrupt cops looking for an excuse to act out, from angry gun nuts protecting their businesses by shooting to kill, or from the possibility of a surge of Coronavirus cases in an already vulnerable community.

Martin Luther King Quote on Darkness and HateWhile I agree with the non-violent protests and the support for Black Lives Matter, there is another bigger issue that I’ve taken on in recent years – that is the overall division our country, communities, and political parties have fallen into.  While the divisions were there already, the 2016 election, the divisive rhetoric of Trump and his enablers, Russian bots, and the like have furthered these divisions.  In this day and age it is easy to dehumanize those we don’t agree with.  Trump dehumanizes people he doesn’t agree with on a daily basis by calling them “thugs”, “criminals”, and so on.  The policeman who killed George Floyd dehumanized Black people.  The police we see acting out badly in the news this past week or two have dehumanized the protestors.  For our part, many of us have dehumanized Republicans and Conservatives on the whole, even though many have left the party or spoken out against Trump and his abuses.  A Republican group called the Lincoln Project is even actively advertising against Trump.  We all have Conservative friends, co-workers, and family members.  In this situation, we have also dehumanized all policemen for the actions of some bad actors.  We’ve dehumanized the real people living and working in neighborhoods affected by rioting and looting in their neighborhoods because it doesn’t fit our agenda or narrative.  As someone once said, the best way to defeat an enemy is to make that enemy a friend or an ally.  Perhaps it’s naïve to believe that we are all human, that there are some common ethics that we can all agree to, or that we can change minds through discussion and debate rather than threat of violence.

Despite all the bad stories from the front lines of things like continued police abuse of protesters and reporters, looters being shot and killed by store owners, and trucks plowing through crowds, I’ve been heartened by all the good stories out there this past couple of weeks too.  Many police officers lay down their arms and joined the peaceful protests — some even “taking a knee.”  Non-violent protestors protected community businesses from looters.  One police officer separated from his troop, was protected from the angry mobs by other protestors.  There are people of all colors, ages, creeds, and backgrounds out protesting Floyd’s death and supporting Black Lives.  The events aren’t even limited to the United States.

During different times, I’d be out there joining in the peaceful protests.  Given the current pandemic, I’ve been practicing social distancing and social isolation to protect myself and others from a potentially deadly disease that medical experts don’t yet know enough about.  Despite this, I was proud to see on Facebook just the other day that my youngest niece, not long out of high school and who lives in a rural conservative area of Virginia, has been out joining the non-violent protests in her area.  She has been sharing her own beliefs, experiences, and photos despite receiving flack for doing so.

I’ll end this post with three quotes on non-violence from Martin Luther King, Jr.

“In spite of temporary victories, violence never brings permanent peace.”

“Nonviolence is a powerful and just weapon, which cuts without wounding and ennobles the man who wields it.  It is a sword that heals.”

“Here is the true meaning and value of compassion and nonviolence, when it helps us to see the enemy’s point of view, to hear his questions, to know his assessment of ourselves.  For from his view we may indeed see the basic weaknesses of our own condition, and if we are mature, we may learn and grow and profit from the wisdom of the brothers who are called the opposition.”


Mel has a Bachelor’s Degree in Sociology and is a seasoned LGBTQ community activist. To find out more, please visit his website: www.melmystery.com

My latest podcast is now available.

Mystery manEpisode 19: Your Magickal Playlist

In this episode, I talk about using music in your magick spells, rituals, and other works.  I discuss creating a magickal playlist and what types of music you might want to include. There is also a segment on the Greek Goddess of male-male love – Aphrodite Urania.

You can listen to the latest episode on my website (www.melmystery.com) or my Podbean page (https://melmystery.podbean.com/)

Personal Updates:

If you’ve been keeping up with my blog and my podcasts, you might have noticed I’ve been relatively quiet for a while.  I’m not sure this is exactly breaking news since my blog posts and podcasts have always been sporadic at best.  Even so, I wanted to give folks some updates, especially now that we are in this big Corona Virus pandemic.

First of all, I’m safe and employed.  I work for a university.  We closed for a week and transitioned over to teleworking.  Last week, I had the full week’s vacation that I’ve been putting off for a while and it gave me the chance to take care of little projects around the house that have been nagging at me for a while.  I’ve been staying close to home mostly with periodic expeditions to the grocery store.  I have toilet paper – for now.  I’m nervously hopeful the stores will restock before I run out.

We did have to cancel the Brotherhood by the Bog retreat that was scheduled for last weekend.  I was disappointed, but it was probably for the best.  I’m not sure how this pandemic will affect the Arcadia Gathering in October, but at least we’re still about six month’s out right now.  We have a private campground booked in Northwest Virginia and I’ve been approaching potential keynote speakers for the event.  I had been looking at the possibility of attending a general Pagan gathering this summer – perhaps the Pagan Unity Festival in Tennessee or Fire’s Rising at Four Quarters, but given the current uncertainty I might be gearing up for a summer staycation instead.

My “spare time” the past year or two has been mostly focused on home repairs and improvements and decluttering my life.  Many of you know that I have my heart set on getting my childhood home back.  In order to do that, I need to get the best price for my current house, weed out some of my excess clutter to make a move more manageable, and eventually start job hunting there.  Right now, with the Corona Virus epidemic, I’m happy to have a secure job that allows me to telework.  I know there are so many people living with more financial insecurity than I am right now.  I’m not sure right now is the time for me to start job hunting, but the extra time at home is allowing me to take care of other things that will help me to move forward when the right time comes.

My book writing has been largely on hold since I’ve been spending so much of my time on other priorities.  I do hope to get back to writing soon, and perhaps being home bound will give me more opportunity to write.  For anyone interested, The Gay Guy’s Guide to Werewolves and Other Man Beasts is available from my Lulu store.

As for blogs and podcasts, I have a few ideas for some future blog posts and podcast episodes.  I’m hoping that I can leverage a little more of my time to at least getting out the next podcast which is long overdue.  In times like these, we need to try just a little harder to remain connected.  I know that blogs and podcasts are outlets that folks use to feel connected.

I hope everyone out there is staying safe!

Can’t We All Just Get Along? Part 3

I had meant to wrap up this thread a few weeks ago, but got sidetracked by all the Corona Virus business.  I hope everyone is staying safe out there!

This is a continuation of Can’t We All Just Get Along? Part 2

To all the Democratic political folks out there, this section is for you.

Democrats who stay home elect RepublicansI’m going to “Vote Blue No Matter Who” come November and I hope you will too. I would vote for a rock if it would get Trump and his nastiness out of the White House. All you Bernie supporters out there who choose not to vote in the 2016 election because you were sore that Sanders didn’t get the Democratic ticket or because you hated Hillary — I blame you all for the last three and a half years we’ve had to endure. Your vote for the Democrat on the Presidential ticket could have swayed the election. If we’ve learned anything in the time since the last election, it’s not that the lesser of two evils is still evil. It’s that the lesser of two evils is still less evil than what we’ve got. (Just for fun – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SAisWFutbw ). Also, if you don’t vote in the Primaries, then you have no room to complain if the Democratic candidate isn’t Sanders. If you don’t vote in the November election, then you have no room to complain if we get another four years of Trump. If Bernie wins the ticket, I’m going to vote for him. If Biden wins the ticket, I’m going to vote for him. If it turns out to be someone else come November, I’m going to vote for him or her.

“The lesser of two evils is still less evil than what we’ve got.”

I suppose I should also wrap up the Doctor Who thread, so this last section is for all the Doctor Who fans, haters, and writers.

I’ve not seen the latest season since I cut the cable cord, but plan to once it’s available on one of my streaming services or on DVD. I have seen a lot of spoilers and lots of hater headlines. I have to admit that my first reactions to both the new Master and the Ruth Doctor were WTF. Neither immediately conformed to my idea of who the Master or the Doctor is and has been. After over 50 years of white male Doctors and white mostly male Masters, a Master of color and a Black female Doctor was a bit of a shock, but I quickly got over that. The ideal Masters to me will always be the Roger Delgado and Anthony Ainley Masters. The clips I’ve seen of the new Master show that he has all the evil and treachery you’d expect from the Master, and I think I kind of like his sense of style too. The clips of the Ruth Doctor that I’ve seen show her to be the strong idealist that is the core of Doctor Who, so while I’ve not seen her in action, I think I might actually like her. I still have some concerns with gender and race swapping iconic characters with long histories (see my previous post “When the Doctor was Me” ), but Doctor Who is one of those weird possible exceptions because of the whole point of regeneration is that the Doctor changes into another person each time around.

My biggest problem with the way the new Doctor Who series is doing this is that they are doing this too fast and too in your face and that’s causing backlash, even from folks who want to give the new series a chance. They seem to be doing the same thing with Doctor Who canon and also the “wokeness” factor. Doctor Who has always largely been liberal and left leaning. The Doctor mostly advocates against guns and violence and for using one’s mind to solve problems. Some classic episodes had the Doctor taking down evil corporations that exploit people (such as the 4th Doctor episode “The Sun Makers”). There have been multiple story lines where the Doctor took down authoritarian leaders. There have been many episodes where the Doctor organized people to stand up to oppression. The thing about these stories is that they weren’t necessarily preachy or in your face about the values they professed (as many are complaining about the show now). It was subtle and built into the story lines. You empathized with the underdog, with the exploited, and with the downtrodden because of good story lines. You also had the Doctor as an example of someone doing good wherever he went.

This might be a good place to remind everyone that the diversity in the new series of Doctor Who isn’t all about me as a middle-aged white guy. One of the things I noticed recently when I went to a sci-fi convention that I go to most every year were all the women dressed up as the Jodie Whittaker Doctor. It was nice to see that female Doctor Who fans finally had a Doctor to cosplay. After the latest season, Black female fans also have a Doctor to cosplay, and I hope I see some at the con next year. The only other Doctor’s I saw this year were a few David Tenant Doctors (plus I was dressed as the 7th Doctor). There’s usually at least one 4th Doctor and a few 11th Doctors running around, but they were oddly missing this year. The Klingons were oddly missing this year too.

In conclusion:

Being woke is (or at least should be) about learning to live and let live. If you’re using your “wokeness” to further division or to fuel your hate for some other group of people, I’m not sure you’re actually that woke. It’s not all about you. Being woke is loving and supporting our neighbors of all backgrounds even if we don’t totally understand them. It’s realizing that we all have different life experiences and challenges that bring us to where we are now. Most of us have room to grow, and others are seemingly lost causes.

In society, we are primed to fear and distrust the “other” – those who aren’t like us or who don’t belong to our tribe. Ultimately, as the saying goes, “Haters are gonna hate.” Whether it be that friend from high school hating on the Trans folk, the receptionist at the dentist office hating on Democrats, Bernie supporters hating on the establishment Democrats (and vice-versa), Lesbian Feminist Separatists and Trans folks hating on “men”, or old school Doctor Who fans hating on the new series.

Can’t we all just get along?

Can’t We All Just Get Along? Part 2

In my last post, I talked about various examples of division. While I think differences across the political spectrum (such as Democrats vs. Republicans) are harder to remedy, we also seem to have major differences among those mostly on the same side (left-leaning Democrats vs. centrist Democrats, or the various “factions” within the LGBTQ community). We are so polarized right now that even subtle differences elicit strong reaction, division, and even hate.

In the examples given in the last post, I really don’t see much reconciliation with the Transphobic high school friend or the Trump supporting receptionist at the dentist office. I think our world views and life experiences are too different. Nothing I say is likely to change their minds. It’s not really worth adding the stress of argument to my already super stressed life. Sure, I could unfriend the high school friend. I grew up in a rural backwoods area of Virginia, so his comments are likely shared by a host of other high school friends. If push comes to shove, I could always delete them all too. I could change dentist offices or make a complaint. Maybe I will do these things. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I can hope that these people will glean some bit of enlightenment by seeing me and the things I say and post to my own page. Direct confrontation only leads to direct confrontation back and folks become entrenched even more in their own beliefs.

What I want to talk about and explore today is not the division across party lines, but all the divisions among folks who are mostly on the same side. Maybe we don’t agree on everything. Just because we are in different lanes doesn’t mean we have to be enemies. We can actually be allies and support each other, but still go off and do our own things. It’s an extremist and inflexible view to say that we can’t.

“Maybe we don’t agree on everything. Just because we are in different lanes doesn’t mean we have to be enemies.”

Since my college activist days, I have never considered myself an assimilationist. I believe we live in a pluralistic society. I think it is okay for us to have differing interests, cultures, ideologies, groups and so on. We can do this and still come together as allies on things that matter to us all. I don’t think everyone has to be exactly the same or to have exactly the same ideals and goals. I remember the days when the LGBTQ community (usually led by white middle-class gay men) put forth calls for diversity back in the 1990s. Back then “diversity” really meant including women and people of color who held white middle-class male values. These groups were often gentrified and didn’t really address the issues of women, people of color, or other groups of people. It’s a nice ideal for a utopia, but it really wasn’t a diversity of ideas or backgrounds. I supported the rights of Lesbians and women to form groups and events of their own. I also supported the rights of gay men to form men’s groups and events. I supported the sovereignty of African American LGBTQ groups. I supported the rights of LGBTQ folks not to follow the dictates of heterosexual society, as well as the rights of those who wanted to get married and live in the idealized house with white picket fences. I still support the notion of a pluralistic world rather than a monolith where everyone looks and thinks the same. Such monoliths breed dogma, as well as stigma to those who dare to be different. Isn’t that what we’re trying to avoid? I support a world where differences are celebrated, not denigrated. In a pluralistic society, there are niche groups, ideologies, and events; but there are also times when we form alliances and come together toward a common goal.

“Such monoliths breed dogma, as well as stigma to those who dare to be different. Isn’t that what we’re trying to avoid?”

I think our world is moving even more in the direction of pluralism and niches. Population increases and the capacity for very specific niche groups on the internet is helping to facilitate this. The weird thing is that the more niche and pluralistic we become, the more we seem to want the rest of the world to reflect our world view. We all live in our bubble and expect the real world to conform to our idea of an ideal world. We want every group, every event, and every television character to reflect who we are and what we believe. We have no patience that our goals take time, or that sometimes we have to make compromises.

What most folks don’t realize is that not everything is about “you”, nor does it have to be. My experience doesn’t invalidate yours. You’ve dealt with your unique challenges and I’ve dealt with mine. We’ve all come into this world with our own unique struggles and unique life paths.

“What most folks don’t realize is that not everything is about “you”, nor does it have to be. My experience doesn’t invalidate yours.”

The next section is dedicated to the women and the Trans folks who feel that men’s groups and identities somehow threaten them. This is a snippet of my own unique life path.

As a gay man growing up in the 1980s in a Christian household and Christianized society, I struggled to come out both to myself and to others. While I realized I was gay in high school, I really didn’t come out until college. I’ve had friendships end for coming out as gay. I’ve experienced harassment for being out and gay. I once even had my life threatened by a group of men holding tire irons in a parking lot (http://www.melmystery.com/index.php/about-mel/past-projects-involvements ) . In college, my car was vandalized because I had a pink triangle bumper sticker. I feel like subtle job discrimination in my early career probably kept me from having a better job and finances than I do now. I feel like as a gay man that I’ve had to work harder and do more to prove my worth at both work and in the world.

As a gay man, I also actually like masculinity (contrary to popular belief not all masculinity is toxic) and I like the company of other men. Throughout my life I have had to make a concentrated effort to be among other men. In childhood I lived out in a rural area without many other children around and I always yearned for a male best friend. Things got a little better from middle school onward, but the few close male friendships I formed were tenuous at best. Before I came out (and when I thought I had to like girls), I was always drawn to the masculinity of tomboy types. In my early teens, I thought I had a crush on Jo from Facts of Life (you know the one who wore the leather jacket and drove a motorcycle); and my favorite Doctor Who companion was the tough and tomboyish Ace. My point is that I’m naturally drawn to masculinity for whatever reason. In college, I got along better with the Lesbians than I did with other gay men. I’ve wondered if this were possibly because they were more masculine than my gay male peers. I know it’s a stereotype, but it was also true to some extent. There’s also this idea that gay men distrust other men, so maybe that was at play too. (I touched on this topic of gay men distrusting other men in one of my earlier podcasts, I believe it was in my review of the book “Gay Warrior” in Episode 5 — http://melmystery.podbean.com/ )

As a gay man, I also actually like masculinity (contrary to popular belief not all masculinity is toxic) and I like the company of other men.

As I got past college, my career has been in largely female dominated fields (education and libraries). When I first became involved in Pagan men’s groups in the early 2000s, it was very liberating for me to befriend and hang out with other men of all sexual orientations. Experiences and feelings of brotherhood with other men was something largely lacking in my life. Most were straight, but they were still very accepting. When I attended Coph Nia (a now defunct Pagan men’s spiritual gathering) in 2014 and 2015, I felt like I’d finally found my people. These people were gay men who are Pagan, countercultural and activist inclined, and welcoming rather than judgmental of other gay men. Shortly after I found them, the event ended.

That is my truth and my reality. As I said, it doesn’t invalidate your experiences or make us enemies. I support equality and justice and fairness for all, not just for gay men. I’ve done much over the years to advocate for all sorts of disenfranchised groups, not just my own.

Relatively recently, I ran an online “alternative” paper for a while. I tried opening it to LGBTQ folks across the spectrum as well as to Pagans, Polyamorists, and all sorts of folks living other “alternative” lifestyles. I tried to make it everything for everybody. I spread myself thin trying to make sure everyone was represented and happy, and very few people across any of that spectrum stepped up to write articles or to help even the load. I do appreciate the Trans folks, women, and People of Color who did help (notice again the relative lack of men and gay men involved in this endeavor). Ultimately, I realized that my path is niche, and that niche is easier to manage. I’m still involved in orchestrating an annual “Alternative” Pride Picnic that came out of the alternative paper. That event does draw a heavy Trans and Lesbian presence. As already mentioned, and as with everything else I involve myself in, there are generally very few men involved — straight or gay. This perpetuates my need to make a concentrated effort to be among other men.

I do support women’s issues and events. I marched in our local women’s march in 2017. In 2018, I also sat through several city council meetings in support of our local Lesbian bar that was being closed due to gentrification of its neighborhood. I also periodically attend our local Transgender Days of Visibility and Transgender Days of Remembrance. Unlike many of the haters I find on the internet, I don’t make these events all about me or my demographic group. I don’t attend the women’s events trying to fight the matriarchy or shouting that men’s rights matter too. I don’t go to the Transgender Day of Remembrance asking why they aren’t honoring Matthew Shepard who was killed for being gay (not Trans). I don’t make an *ss of myself asking why they are being exclusionary for not including him or other gay and Lesbian folks who may have died to homophobia. These events aren’t about me or my specific demographic, but that doesn’t mean I can’t or don’t show my support. I also know that sometimes I need to step back or out of the picture altogether. It’s not always about me. In a Pagan setting a few years ago, I was considering going to an OBOD Druid event. I consider myself a Druid, but I’m not an OBOD Druid. I ultimately decided not to go because it looked like they had all sorts of initiation rituals and other private OBOD events going on. Unlike many of the “woke” people on the internet calling for total inclusion at all events, I didn’t send them a nastygram asking them why other types of Druids weren’t represented (let alone Wiccans, Witches, or other Pagans). I realized this event, no matter how interesting, wasn’t about me and moved on.

In the last post, I mentioned the Female-to-Male Trans person who attended our men’s retreat last spring. He was the first Trans person to attend one of our events, and this was also his very first men’s event since his operation. He proudly went shirtless at our event and you could still see the fresh scars from his breast reduction surgery. He was welcomed with open arms and at our main ritual he broke down with emotion because it was such a powerful experience for him to be welcomed into a brotherhood of men. Our men’s events aren’t necessarily all-inclusive, but they are not meant to be exclusive either. A Male-to-Female Trans person probably wouldn’t enjoy our men’s retreats, though perhaps might gain something if welcomed into a sisterhood of women. To call our men’s event Trans-exclusionary might fit someone’s narrative or maybe their own hatred or distrust of men and masculinity, but that is a prejudicial judgement that doesn’t fit with actual reality.

I know some LGBTQ folks out there want to overthrow the idea of gender altogether. I don’t think that’s the answer. I think the answer is respecting our differences whether they be gender or other factors. That’s not something we’re particularly good at in this day and age. I think many Trans folks are just as attached to their inherent (not birth) gender as many cisgender folks are. As evidenced in the story above, I believe that gendered events can be very powerful and affirming to at least some Trans folks. The real problem is when we start suggesting that someone is something less because of their gender identity – whatever that may be.

Part 3 of this post will be coming out later this week.